Mr. Smith Goes To Denver

A play in one act, based on a true story

SCENE I: A California Democratic Party office

[John Smith, a middle-aged Caucasian male, enters the room, and is greeted by precinct organizer Emily Lopez-Fong, a persun of diversity]

Emily: Good morning. May I help you?

John: Yes. My name is John Smith, and I would like to be a delegate for Hillary Clinton at the convention in Denver.

Emily: Hmmm... That might be difficult. Have you read about our affirmative action goals?

John: No, I haven't. Are those like quotas?

Emily: No, no! Quotas are prohibited! These are only goals.

John: What would happen if a state delegation fails to meet the goals?

Emily: We don't know; all we heard was Chairman Dean saying something about "Room 101." Anyway, let me go over the groups we are trying to empower. Are you Hispanic/Latino, African-American, Asian/Pacific Islander or Native American? We have goals of 26%, 16%, 9% and 1% for each of those respective groups.

John: No, I'm afraid I'm not.

Emily: That narrows it down a bit. Are you gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered? We have a 12% goal for those groups.

John: No, but sometimes I feel like I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body...

Emily: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but while we in the Democratic Party empathize with those who suffer from gender dysphoria, that group isn't among those in our affirmative action goals. You could suggest it to the Democratic National Committee for 2012, though. Are you under age 30?

John: No, I'm over 40.

Emily: Well, then you don't qualify under the 10% goal for the youth vote, then. Are you disabled in any way? That's another 10% goal group.

John: No, I'm healthy as a horse.

Emily: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we've already met our goals for healthy, middle-aged heterosexual white males for Senator Clinton's delegation. Now, we could use you for Senator Obama's delegation, since we're having trouble finding people from your demographic group for him...

John: No, I want to support Hillary!

Emily: Well, would you be willing to get something amputated? Then you'd qualify as disabled and we'd meet our goal...

SCENE II: The Democratic National Convention, Denver

[In the center of the California delegation, we see John Smith, who is now missing his right arm, holding up a sign that says "I Gave My Right Arm To Support Hillary Clinton!"]

[Fade out]